I can't help but hate Christmas. I never really did like the holiday but it's much worse now that I no longer have family. I guess I can understand their reasoning for giving up on me, I gave up on myself for awhile too. I used to be nothing but trouble, and I probably still am. But at least I'm trying to be a better person nowadays and that isn't an easy achievement either. Especially when people who are supposed to be your family don't even want to meet you half way, and have pretty much given up on you and written you off as a 'bad egg'.

I guess we all make our own fate, right? The future is built on the past and every event that has happened has led up to the here and the now. I find it hard to move forward and build a happy life for myself when my family keeps holding me back. I've never had any self worth, and it's hard for self worth to develop when you constantly have your family reminding you of all the bad things you've done, and of how much of a failure you truly are. It's no wonder I have no confidence.

I didn't even get a birthday present from any of my family this year, not even a phone call. Nothing. I spent the last three years trying to mend bridges, but it's just not going to happen. And I just can't keep wallowing in the past, trying to fix things that can't be fixed. It's a waste of energy that can be better spent elsewhere. Life would have been a hell of a lot easier if I had have stayed a horribly cruel and malicious jerk. I wouldn't have been forced to care.

Anyway, as you can probably tell, I'm feeling somewhat blue this Christmas. I deserve and expect the very worst though, for everything that I've done. I should probably just come to accept that this is the way things are, but I can't help but want more. I can't help but want to surround myself by family. But that's just an empty and impossible wish. It's just not going to happen.

Merry Christmas everyone.